Konjee with Ka-Run

After a rather disconcerting time, the poor man was to experience more agony when the daringly stupid, remarkably atrocious and seemingly discombobulating Koffee with Karan was reintroduced. In recognition of a show that is so full of it, here is my humble condemnation....

Hello and welcome to Konjee with Ka-Run. In this poor man's show of the original, we will now attempt to bring to light several snoopy, distasteful and candid moments of those people who are of no use to anyone...Celebrities! In the first of many many excruciating shows, I, your host Ka-Run, will attempt to take you behind the scenes, bedrooms and bathrooms of all our favourite celebs. To mark the opening act of this enthralling show, I will now introduce you to our guest this evening, Ka-Ran.
 
(from somewhere the viewers can hear clapping and some door opens and our ahem, man of the moment appears blowing imaginary kisses to the microbes in the air)

Hello Ka-Ran, welcome to my show. It is indeed a displeasure to have you here. Since you are now one of the pioneer's of poor man's entertainment, how does it feel?

Muah-muah, oh Ka-Run dah-ling, thank you for having me on this show. Can I expect all my friends tonight? The same people again and again and again?

Well, Ka-Ran, you can. But, I can't. Since we do not have money to pay for the appearance of the same so-called A-list celebrities, it's only going to be you and I.

Oh, really. Muah-muah! I hope you are not resorting to any dirty pranks, no? You dirty boy!

Don't worry Ka-Ran. I would not even dream of it. Okay, let's get started. When you penned that super-duper magnum opus, Parson Ho Naa Ho, were you suffering from insomnia?

Oh, dah-ling..why would you say that?

Well, the movie was so long that I fell asleep even before the interval. So, I was wondering that only a ahem, man who is deprived of sleep can go on rambling about the story.

Oh, muah muah...we'll it was one of those days when I just wanted to bring out my deepest emotions, you know. As usual, I took my story to Aa-di and Jash uncle, they wanted me to bring more emotions into the story-line. Then as always, I took the story to my best buddies Ra-Sukh, Ka-Jol and Ra-Ni who were so overwhelmed by the plot that they wanted to add a few over-acting lines here and there. So, by the time I realized it, the run time of the movie was nearly fourteen hours and twenty seven minutes. In fact, the little kids in the movie actually grew up too. But, Ra-Sukh advised me to go ahead with the story and volunteered to act in it too. So, I got stuck with him.

Oh, these are some really startling revelations we have. So, tell me Ka-Ran, why is it that you bring the same people back on your show? I know you have your comfort zone with your chaddi buddies, but you need some fresh meat, dude!

Ah, but they are my friends, na. If I don't give them the publicity, who will yaar? Ritik, Babishek, Aish, Ra-Ni, Catrina, Jahid, Peepika, Kanbir, Shanuska, Sanveer, Ruzaane, Pohn Abraham, Kipasha, Mareena, Kaif, Ka-Jol, Monakshi...these people depend on me for their livelihood yaar. Their net-worth rockets once they come on my show.

Eh, how is that?

See, dah-ling, if I don't ask them all those silly questions and respond to their fake answers with an even more pretentious laughter, all the teenage youth of our country will not be able to get meaning for their lives. You see, I am the talent, I am the host and I am the show! In fact, even on the news, my show is breaking news

Er-let's not get distracted by self praise. I also wanted to ask you about the insanely large Coffee mugs. Why do you think you need the ahem, celebrities to sign and put it on the wall? It feels a tad pretentious.

My-naive doll....it is supposed to be like that. That's what I call drama. Let me tell you a secret. Those coffee mugs are just for the show. After the ahem, celebrities sign and put them on the wall, after the show, we actually give it to them. Hahaha...it's so funny. They think they go up on my wall. That's just a ball!

Also, as our poor man's fans eagerly want to know, why are you so interested in ahem, celebrities' personal lives? Talk about washing the dirty linen in public!

Oh-come on yaar. I can't believe you are even asking that! I take it upon myself to give all the wannabe, pretentious and self-loving people out there, what I call, a chance to peep into their stars' bedroom. You know, it gets more TRPs than current-affairs? If say, X is sleeping with Y, they are not going to admit it on TV. Or if someone says he/she is a virgin, how do you know it's the truth? So, when I play the host, my journalism skills take over. I will send X out and ask Y coyly, what is the first thing X does when he gets up? See what I did there? Invariably, Y will spill it out. And the extremely intelligent audience will figure out that X and Y are shacking up! Of course, I love to spoil the mood, with an extreme fake laugh and save the embarrassment for all! Don't you just love me?

Wow! I need some antacid now..anyway, one last question before we play our rapid fire. What is up with the gift-hamper? The ahem, celebrities can do without the additional vanity accessory!

Oh that! Muah muah...don't you love it when everyone wants that thing? It just brings out how material-centered they are! No matter how much they have, they still want that hamper. I put that just to see how vulgar and silly they look competing for that hamper. It's the bee's knees!! Muah-muah

Ok, I did not expect that. Let's move on to the rapid fire round. Let me pull out my memo-pad where I have jotted the questions...

Dah-ling, don't you have an i-pad? Chee, what is this memo-pad?

Remember Ka-Ran, this is a poor man's show. We like to keep it simple. Anyway, let's move on to the questions:

Your favourite colour?
Pink

Your favourite movie?
Parson Ho Naa Ho

Your favourite actor?
Ra-Sukh

Your favourite actress?
Ra-Ni

Your favourite holiday city?
San Francisco (wink-wink)

Your favourite song?
Bole pooriyan, bole rotiyan (I used to be fat)

Your message to our poor viewers?
Love me more than you love yourself. And, don't forget to watch Koffee with Ka-Ran!

Well, that's about it. You will now receive a gift hamper from us. It includes a bowl of Konjee!! Because, we cannot afford anything else.

Oh, is it healthy dah-ling? Let me try it. Goodbye dah-ling!! We must do this again sometime!

And...vomit...




Footnote: I am sure after reading this, you will rush to watch Koffee with Ka-Ran. After all, there are very few poor men left in this world. So, kiss my poor ass!