Ladies And Gentlemen.....

I have been wanting to do this piece for a long time, and as usual, my lazy ass never got to it. Well, here goes lazy..

Ever wondered about the alarming levels of stupidity around you? I ain't saying I am the smartest sap on the planet, but hey, you act like a fool, you most definitely are. Which brings me to the topic of air-travel. Now-a-days, thanks to the cash-cows in India, flying is not the life long ambition for most in our country anymore. In fact, some legs of air travel are actually cheaper than bus travel, minus the effort and the crowd. Given the fact that our people hump and produce a child every 10 seconds, a little bit of space and efficiency is surely in order. Or so, you thought!

"Ladies and gentlemen..welcome aboard Flight-420 with direct service from Southeast to Midwest. It is indeed a pleasure to have you on board. My name is Chikna Chana and I will be you Chief flight attendant today"

"Well, lookey-here! Idiocy now has hierarchy!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will now be taking off shortly. Please turn-ff your cell phones and all electronic devices as these may interfere with the navigation systems of the aircraft"

"Excuse me, I am an engineer. I can tell you that the radiations emitted out of the cell phone do not fall in the same RF band as the communication equipment on the aircraft. Even so, I'll let that one pass, and put it on "Aircraft-mode"

"No Sir. Please switch off your device completely. We are in an aircraft".

"OK..let me explain...when the phone is in flight mode, it does not receive any signals from any cell towers, nor does it transmit anything out"

"Sir, the very fact that it says airplane mode on, means that it is not to be used in the aircraft"

"Blimey! You are right..can't argue with such sound logic"...


"Please direct your attention to the attendants, who will now demonstrate a few important safety instructions"

"Hmm..if I did not know how to insert one end into the other end of this magical device called the seat belt, I ain't worth living"

"Sir, please straighten your seatback to an upright position and raise the window shades"

"Why, what would happen if I left my back rest reclining? And what the fuck is with the raising window shades? Is that going to impact the blind-spot of the pilot? Is there another plane competing for the spot for take off so that he needs to see what the fuck is going on to the side?"

"Sir, please relax. These are safety procedures"

"Really? Hmm...alright. I have to get my ass to Midwest so I'll pretend to ignore your stupidity and not to mention, ignorance"

Suddenly, there is a gruff voice from the intercom.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is your Captain Jaibajrang Vayu speaking. We have a very short delay in taking off since we are seventh in line for takeoff. But, relax, sit back and enjoy your flight! I will update you once we are on the air"

"Enjoy your flight, eh? Why can't you overtake the six duds in front of us and reach the runway for the next take-off? You do the same shit when you are driving a car. Think of this bird doing just that. What? No? Too bad. No-one consideres good free advice these days"

"Alright! Take-off....wheeeeee"

"The Captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign. But please remain in your seat. You are free to use your ipods and laptops now"

"Sigh! Technically, you can use your cell phone as well. What if all the wannabes having iphones on this flight want to listen to music?"

"Sir, they are free to do that. But the phones must be switched off"

"Eh??? Never mind. Good thing, Steve Jobs is dead already"

Right about now, all the Gujarathi aunties now decide they need to consume their packed theplas and undhiyos. And all the old-aged uncles want to initiate the painful task of unbuckling their seat-belts, get up from their seats to take a piss. A charging of the bulls ensures and I am left wondering, these people really do want to get their penny's worth by leaving their marks even in here!

Chikna now starts with the on-board dining as if it has been copied from a French fine-dining experience. First the curtains come on so that no-one is allowed to look into what magical delicacy is being prepared with such secrecy. But, for the benefit of his doubt, we shall let that one pass.

"Sir, would you like to have anything from our selection?"

"Hmm....Two hundred bucks for a cold paratha! Hmpf...no thanks! I shall starve instead. How about a glass of water?"

"Sir, please wait. Let me cater to the others who might be excited enough to buy something. I will be right back with you"

"Well, hello, parched throat!"

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your First Officer speaking now. The Captain is busy eating his meals, having set the course and allowing the auto-pilot to take over. We are now flying at 36,000 feet with a head-wind of about 8 knots. The outside temperature is minus 27 degrees. So, sit back and ring up on our attendant should you require any assistance"

"Well, in what mother-fucking way was this announcement useful information? Flying at 36,000 feet. OK. So what? And, did you stick your head out like a dog to measure the temperature outside? And, head-wind is just a cheeky way of saying, there is a chance we might get delayed. Dumb-ass!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have now begun our descent into Mid-west. Please return to your seats, especially all those old-aged uncles. Fun time's over and fasten your seat-belts. The Captain has just finished his meals and will now prepare the final settings on the auto-pilot for landing. As you can see, he is highly qualified. Also, we will be dimming the on-board lights during landing. So, please feel free use the reading light above you"

"What??? What does on-board lighting have to do anything with take-off and landing?? Excuse me..well, never mind, screw that thought. I am now so nicely tucked in that my balls would pop-up any minute. By the way, I am still waiting on my water!"

"We now wish to proudly announce an on-time arrival to Midwest. The aircraft has now left the active runway, so you can now use your cell phones"

"Uh, excuse me, won't that impact some communication equipment on the plane while it is heading to the gate?"

"No Sir, after landing and getting off the main runway, you can use your phones as per regulation"

"Ah, well, I see your brilliant logic there! You just repeated yourself so that I can sit back, relax and tug on my testicles! Well played"

"Please remain in your seats till the aircraft comes to a complete halt"

At this precise moment, all the passengers get up to get their shit out of the overhead bins and clamour for the passageway. Sigh, air-travel is so stress-free and enjoyable that for some weird reason, I am now rooting for the bus!

PS: And, all flight announcements should as as cool as this