The Mask Behind the Face

I have been afraid and my worst fears came true
I have been living in the shadow of my alter ego
I don't have an identity of my own
I spend most of my life in calculated disgust and anguish while I make people laugh
I use wit and humour as a defense mechanism
I play the joker role to the point of no return
I let people walk over me
I am afraid to speak my mind
I always have contradictory thoughts
I am always confused
I am not creative. I cannot think out of the box. I have no imagination
I have been suppressed by myself
I am complicated
I am not forthright
I do not have complete mastery over anything. I have not been truly good at anything in my life
I have always lived in the shadow of others
I think whoever I am, whatever I am is just luck
I do not persevere enough
I think being romantic is corny. I have been bowled head over heels by only one person. I will never experience that feeling ever again in my life
I am not opinionated. I do not have clarity in my thoughts
I am not a good orator
I am not satisfied with what I have
I don't have a clue of what I am doing with my life
I don't think I can make an impact in someone's life
I will not make a good husband
I do not take well to criticism. I only get more confused by it
I cannot differentiate between hard work and smart work
I am too lazy to learn. I shirk and take the easy way out
I do not know how to handle serious responsibility
I cannot differentiate between idealism and practicality
I do not think anyone will give a shit if I suddenly die
I am easily influenced by others
I cannot concentrate on one thing ever for a short while
I cannot be one with myself
I introspect much but never act on it
I will not be able to choose a partner for myself
I will not be a good role model for my kids
I will not be able to earn true respect from my wife, family or friends

I live therefore I am
I breathe therefore I am
I exist therefore I am

I am the Mask behind the Face

Life of Things

I have been reminiscing a bit over the past couple of days...and in the process came across an idea for this blog entry.

I let my mind trace back to my childhood to identify some material things that were best classified mundane, but surprisingly seem so vividly etched somewhere in the memory. So I present a few to you:

1) Calcium Sandoz tablets in dog-like can
2) Phantom cigarette-like candy sticks -my only tryst with the puff unfortunately :(
3) Luxor sketch pens and Camlin pencil with the pink flowers
4) Reynolds ball point pen
5) Camel Ink bottle and Hero pens with the gold cover
6) Cherry blossom white canvas shoe polish
7) School uniform -a white shirt/white pant/black belt and shoes..We should have been beaten to death for even wearing this!
8) Bold and the Beautiful and Baywatch..Thank God for Star Plus!
9) BSA Bicycle
10) Malgudi days/He-Man and the Masters of the Universe/Superhit Muquabala
11) Crown CRT TV with switches to change channels
12) Finger chips/fries with Maggie hot and sweet tomato sauce
13) Assembly before commencement of a school day
14) Kangaroo exam pad with the clip to hold the paper and wooden ruler used to demarcate the margin from the main page- Often this was the trusty ally of a teacher to do some knuckle crunching!
15) The first pair of Bata/Corona black shoes with laces -I know everyone used to wear that proudly with anything and everything and loved the noise it used to make while walking
16) Big Fun bubble gum with the cricket statistics/collectibles
17) Gold Spot -The Zing thing!
18) Cutting chai glass -The smallest thing with a "satisfaction guaranteed" tag
19) Godrej shaving bar+brush
20) Pan Pasand/Mangobite/Coffeebite/Cadburys Gems/Nutties
21) VIP Underwear
22) Amul butter
23) Doordarshan Spirit of Unity short programmes
24) Balcony/Dress Circle seating arrangements in movie theaters
25) The Times of India, India Today and Sportstar
26) Usha Sewing Machine
27) Crocin and Anacin tablets
28) Lakshmi bomb cracker -There never was a Diwali without it!
29) Indian Railways food -shitty but I absolutely adored it!
30) Eveready batteries

These were some of the items/commodities that popped up in my mind. I re-lived my entire life as I thought of these. All of you have, at some point been associated with one/many or all of these. I am also certain that readers will come up with much more.

As an aside, this article lays emphasis on the importance we give to material items. Ironic because we do not give spirituality it's due!

Wham...Bam....SLAM!

Allllright!!

This post will be a an act of sorts between 3 people. Jackass Judge, Pub(l)ic Prostitutor (Pube) and Duffer Defendant. A not so typical courtroom drama..

JJ: Order in the courtroom...ORDER in the courtroom...
PP: But Mi Lord...there is no one here but you, me and Duffer
JJ: I know Pube...I like to just bang this hammer thingy on the table.....

PP: Ahem..ahem....let's proceed on with the case then....Mishter Duffer Defendant, do you plead guilty to the charges?
DD: ?????
JJ: Oh for Satan's sake, let Duffer know what he is guilty of!
PP: Sorry Mi Lord...I have'nt been in the courtroom for a while...
DD (to himself): Looks like I can wriggle my balls out of this...whatever "this" might be!

PP: Alright Duffer, the charges against your name are being virgin, being single and a bad forgotten childhood....Babool..oh sorry Kubool hai???
DD: Mi Lord, Mr. Pube is trying to convict me of these false allegations.....I request a rematch...
JJ: OK...but Duffer, you must please keep in mind that this is not a game...It's your past life we're talking about...
DD: Screw that...I want a rematch...

PP: Duffer does not know what he's talking about...Mi Lord, I would like to present the Case for the Defence...
JJ: OK Pubes...Proceed before I need to take a leak again

PP (Clearing his throat): Duffer, I will be asking you a few questions based on which Mi Lord Jackass will decide for or against the charges on your name
DD: Mi Lord, I request the court to proceed...Do I get some time to practice?
JJ: DUFFER!! Please pay attention to the questions! Don't make me strike this hammer thingy

PP: Name?
DD: Defendant...Duffer Defendant

PP: Address?
DD: I'm normally in my own world..
PP: What the Fuck??? Mi Lord..permission to Object
JJ: Screw that...Overruled!
PP: Mi Lord Jackass, with all due respect..what the fuck was that???
JJ: I always wanted to say...OVERRULED! Proceed...but I'll interrupt you from time to time..

PP: Phone Number?
DD: 1&2..But only Nature is allowed to contact at it
PP: You're being smart eh?? Wait for the next few...I'm going to rip you apart..

PP: Date of Birth?
DD: Two hundered and Eighty Eight hours before yours
PP: How do you know that? You do not even know my Birthday...
DD: I did that to confuse the Prostitutor...
PP: Point Taken...The Prostitutor is confused....moving on..

PP: Sunsign?
DD: April fools day....
JJ: Could have been called Duffer's Day..
DD: Thank you Mi Lord...
PP: That was a sarcastic remark....You Duffer!

PP: Your Biggest Assets?
DD: Yet to come
PP: What the fuck?????
JJ: Order....ORDER....Never mind...I did that just for kicks

PP (to himself: I'm stuck like a whore between Jackass and Duffer): You're Sad About?
DD: I will miss you all
PP: You mean...when you will miss all your friends?
DD: ahaan
PP: FUCK!!

PP: Your Most Memorable Moment:
DD: When I came out in this world, the Doctor was so happy!
PP: Looks like the Doctor was a peadophile...Was it someone called Mike???

PP: Your Biggest Strength?
DD: Below the belt and in the mouth
PP: Let's see...that's below the belt.....and..
JJ: Me want to see...me want to see...
PP: Mi Lord...please control yourself....All in good time...
JJ: Order in the courtroom!!

PP: Your Hobbies?
DD: Walking around hills and Reading
PP: Walking around hills????????
JJ: Reading is not actually a hobby...It's more of a knowledge thing....Free thought of the day..

PP: Your Favourite Singer?
DD: Myself..
PP: Oh really??? Are you being funny???? How can you rate yourself as a favourite...That's so full of vain

PP: A girl/boy you like the most and why?
DD: Myself because I am just outstanding and cool
PP: Hmm....Self righteous bastard. Mi Lord please note this point
JJ: Can I borrow your pen?

PP: Ok never mind...You love wearing?
DD: Clothes, Rings and a Girl on my arm...
JJ: What are the rates and the cost involved?
PP: Mi LORD!!!!!!

PP: Your Best Male Teacher?
DD: Please GROW UP and get out of school...
PP: Point taken...Mi Lord.please note this.....Oh never mind..

PP: Your Favourite Movie?
DD: M, HSSH, KKHH, HAHK, ID4...
JJ: Can we have a Morse Code expert here? Looks like Duffer is trying to say something..
PP: No Mi Lord, they used to be popular acronyms for movies...
JJ: Fuck Me!! You have to be kidding

PP: Your Favourite Serial?
DD: Kellogg's Choco...
PP: NO! Not Cereal...Oh never mind!

PP: The Novel You Love?
DD: Jeffery Archer....
PP: Now you have proved that you are retarded....

PP: Your Favourite Animal?
DD: Cat because I resemble it...
JJ: Oh Goody!! Duffer is a Manimal...Quick!! Turn into a frog
PP: Mi Lord, we do not have a princess to bring him back...

PP: Your nickname?
DD: The Excellence of Execution!!
PP: Oh fuck! (To himself:This self gloating bitch is killing me)

PP: Your Ambition?
DD: Getting lots of 3M
JJ: Where are them code breakers?????

PP: Your Dearest Pal?
DD: Yeah Right!! The one and only Pamela Anderson Lee..
JJ/PP: Oh really?? Ours too!

PP: Your Favourite Actress?
DD: All those who do less of acting and more of showing
JJ: We have reached new levels of bonding now....Order in the courtroom!! ORDER in the courtroom

PP: Your Best Female Teacher?
DD: Boooooooze
PP: Very Nice! I have noted that point!

PP: Your Dream Lover?
DD: How do I know who loves my dream?
JJ: By Jove! That was rhetoric. Order ORDER!

PP: Your Favourite Comic?
DD: Playboy/Debonair..well that's comic for me..
JJ: How dare you toy with the emotions of this court???? Objection OVERRULED!!!!
PP: But Mi Lord, I did not object...And it should have been SUSTAINED and not OVERRULED!
JJ: Screw you!! Next question....

PP: Your Favourite Actor?
DD: Sorry! I don't swing that way. I'm strictly HETERO
PP: Fair enough. I'm not so I'll move on...

PP: Love to You Is?
DD: Physical Attraction, Chemical Reaction and Biological Reproduction
PP: WOW! Will you marry me???

PP: The Teacher You Hate Most?
DD: Grow Up!
PP: Ok

PP: Your Most Embarassing Moment?
DD: In school, I'd left my fly open
PP: Very nice...I hope you were covered....
JJ: Were you..were you..were you???
DD: Yes Mi Lord. Please cover yours..

PP: The Person You Hate the Most?
DD: I don't hate..I love everyone...
PP: My my! (To himself: Kill me...kill me NOW!)

PP: Your Latest Crush?
DD: Last night I crushed a bottle of mineral water...
JJ: Oh you did..did you?? I crushed one today

PP: Your Favourite Pastime?
DD: Roaming around and travelling
PP: Now wait a minute....Got you there! Roaming around and travelling are two contradictory things...One is planned, the other is not!! I say, Mi Lord...Objection
JJ: We will now take a short recess
PP/DD: You can't take a recess now!!!!!
JJ: Ok then..I'll dig my nose instead....

PP: What You Feel For Me?
JJ: Pube!!! Don't!!
DD: It's ok...I would like to answer that....You're not as dumb as you look..So start looking smarter!!

PP: I am through with my cross examination, Mi Lord....Please deliver your verdict to the court if Duffer is a Loser
JJ: Has the Jury reached it's verdict???
PP (sighs): Mi Lord Jackass, there is no Jury remember?
JJ: In that case, we will take a recess here.....


So that was it! In case you did not get what the hell I've been talking about, this extract was based on a collection of nonsense written in my SLAM Book. So I hope I have wasted your time. Inconvenience is not regretted.

Claimer: All the content here is reproduced in it's exact form. So go screw yourselves!!

Medley Of An Amalgamation

Well back after a pretty long time. I'm personally very fond of this entry since I cooked this up extempore. Well, most of the ideas were shaping up for a bit but I needed a nice catalyst to eventually put this down. Enter Cafe Myriade in Montreal, Canada. Fantastic place, great ambiance and superb service.

This entry will essentially be a myriad of emotions. Introspection, disgust, satire anger, joy, discovery and the lot. Well, here goes:

1) I have learnt so much from someone who has never taught me anything
2) The most endearing thing ever said to me was not a compliment
3) The only way you can try to concentrate is by looking up at a clear starlight sky
4) I have connected with someone without exchanging a single word
5) Friends are relative to time, location and company
6) The next guy is as perverted as you. You just choose to express yourself!
7) I have observed that each person in a crowd is different in appearance but so similar in behaviour
8) The only thing common in men/women/girls and boys these days is an ipod
9) Lust is always in a woman's asset. Not in hair dyes, shitty alterations and gothic stuff
10) I cannot own the car I love the most. It is not my type
11) Noise can be found in silence and vice versa
12) The most difficult thing is to simply close your eyes and think of NOTHING. You will amazed at how chaotic the mind is
13) I can't recall the name of the restaurant where I have had the best food in years
14) I am so fond of loneliness that I think I'll marry it
15) I find shopping for music is actually relaxing. ONLY music
16) Technology is actually a bad thing. Things worked just as efficient when it was not around
17) The only thing for which I use the pen these days is to sign receipts
18) Buying the correct gift for friends is a painful task
19) Right handed guitarists look much more cooler than left handed ones. Being common has it's own charm!
20) Confidence and skill are instantaneous qualities. The challenge is to repeat the crests cose to each other
21) The closest companions I have are my ipod and my music
22) I actually make a living finding faults in someone else's work
23) I have been afraid my whole life. I'm afraid to change that!
24) EVERYONE is insecure. They show it in different ways. But they definitely are
25) There is always one song I listen to when I'm feeling blue. It is not my favourite
26) I have realized that losing weight is more in the mind than actual physical exercise
27) The greatest pleasure is to take a leak/dump after holding on for long. Sex is not even a close second!
28) No matter how hard you try, there will always be someone who does it better
29) You can actually judge a person by the type of music he/she listens to
30) My greatest regret is not learning to play guitar
31) Sex is hard work. I wonder if a lazy bum will be good in bed
32) I am amazed at the reverence I get when they realize I am Indian. Pity we do not see it among ourselves

Well, that's the long and short of it. It's pretty amazing what a Cafe Mocha and Polish donuts can do!

PS: The most weird thing happened to me today. As I was reading the National Geographic magazine, the phrase I was reading exactly matched the ones on a song. Now, how often does that happen to you?

Just so I don't forget:
Song: I Dug Up A Diamond -Mark Knopfler/Emmylou Harris
Phrase: "Once in a lifetime"

Guess it really is!

The Journey Inwards...

A trip homeward bound is a mixed bag of emotions. Stuff like meeting up family and friends is good. Not knowing what to expect from them is bad.

I was placed in the mixed bag this time. Cynicism is still very much a part of life in India. It's annoying really and more so if some of it came from close friends. Everyone has a right to opinionate but there should be mutual camaraderie. I tried to be an observer to most issues I went through but am not sure if I managed stuff alright.

My qualities, thoughts and beliefs have not changed after leaving India but somehow got the feeling a few back home believed they have. It was painful to see folks you know think you're as stupid as a blonde bimbette.

Anyway, here's a list of things that saw a high:

1) Rode a bike and was glad to know I can still ride one!

2) Travelled in an Ambassador. Fuck Bentley Flying Spur, the Amby still rocks!

3) Ate bhel puri and wada pav at places I never knew existed

4) Spent time with some folks that I never thought would

5) Met a lot of people and travelled quite extensively

6) Travelled by second class in a train. Man, that's a great nostalgic feeling

7) Got around 10G of carnatic music and will probably take a year to listen to all of them

8) Visited my Alma Mater and spent a wonderful and memorable time there

Here's stuff that I did not get to do but had planned on:

1) Drive the car

2) Sit at the rocks on the beach looking at the waves lashing at them

3) Walk along Marine Drive

4) Visit Bade Miya to eat Kababs

5) Go to Shivaji Park

6) Eat Chinese Bhel

I might have missed a few too but that's the gist of things. I wanted to journey spiritually this time and Auroville definitely did not disappoint. I know shit about spirituality but certainly want to get more involved. I bought a lot of books on this and have gone through two of them. I still am far from what they preach but let's hope I try spinning the wheel soon.

I observed that people often mistake that your aims/aspirations change when you leave your home country. A few people openly told me and some indicated it by actions. I keep coming back to this even if I do not want to because that's what is spinning in my head now and the fingers are just typing what the mind is ordering...People don't seem to understand that I have some beliefs and thoughts of my own and instead ridiculed me on quite a few counts. It hurt when someone you've known for a better part of your life ridicules or opinionates on each and every action you have. Am I to move on thinking that I need not be affected by it or sit up to note if I am being blinded by my ego? Am I actually being respected by my friends or do they just think I'm a joker trying to bring a smile to people's faces?

Home is a vague entity to me now. Is it the place that gets me my bread and butter or is it the place my heart wants to be? And even if I listen to my heart, will practicality take over? I am actually scared that I would contradict my own belief system.

Responsibilities also increased. Do I fulfill them on my own? Should I bother my folks with it? Should I respect the independence given to me and make my own actions? Is this the right time? I have a lot of unanswered questions and the scary part is I do not know how to find the solution. I saw a friend, who is usually very composed, groping in the dark with new found responsibility. I am not sure if I am prepared for such a situation...No. I know I'm not.

Not wanting to sound sceptical but cannot avoid it. Why am I so scared? This entire trip might have been a lot of fun but it has raised a lot of questions about the spirituality of who I am, what I want to be, what my motivation is and where my destiny lies. Am I being respected for who I am or for what I do?