A trip homeward bound is a mixed bag of emotions. Stuff like meeting up family and friends is good. Not knowing what to expect from them is bad.
I was placed in the mixed bag this time. Cynicism is still very much a part of life in India. It's annoying really and more so if some of it came from close friends. Everyone has a right to opinionate but there should be mutual camaraderie. I tried to be an observer to most issues I went through but am not sure if I managed stuff alright.
My qualities, thoughts and beliefs have not changed after leaving India but somehow got the feeling a few back home believed they have. It was painful to see folks you know think you're as stupid as a blonde bimbette.
Anyway, here's a list of things that saw a high:
1) Rode a bike and was glad to know I can still ride one!
2) Travelled in an Ambassador. Fuck Bentley Flying Spur, the Amby still rocks!
3) Ate bhel puri and wada pav at places I never knew existed
4) Spent time with some folks that I never thought would
5) Met a lot of people and travelled quite extensively
6) Travelled by second class in a train. Man, that's a great nostalgic feeling
7) Got around 10G of carnatic music and will probably take a year to listen to all of them
8) Visited my Alma Mater and spent a wonderful and memorable time there
Here's stuff that I did not get to do but had planned on:
1) Drive the car
2) Sit at the rocks on the beach looking at the waves lashing at them
3) Walk along Marine Drive
4) Visit Bade Miya to eat Kababs
5) Go to Shivaji Park
6) Eat Chinese Bhel
I might have missed a few too but that's the gist of things. I wanted to journey spiritually this time and Auroville definitely did not disappoint. I know shit about spirituality but certainly want to get more involved. I bought a lot of books on this and have gone through two of them. I still am far from what they preach but let's hope I try spinning the wheel soon.
I observed that people often mistake that your aims/aspirations change when you leave your home country. A few people openly told me and some indicated it by actions. I keep coming back to this even if I do not want to because that's what is spinning in my head now and the fingers are just typing what the mind is ordering...People don't seem to understand that I have some beliefs and thoughts of my own and instead ridiculed me on quite a few counts. It hurt when someone you've known for a better part of your life ridicules or opinionates on each and every action you have. Am I to move on thinking that I need not be affected by it or sit up to note if I am being blinded by my ego? Am I actually being respected by my friends or do they just think I'm a joker trying to bring a smile to people's faces?
Home is a vague entity to me now. Is it the place that gets me my bread and butter or is it the place my heart wants to be? And even if I listen to my heart, will practicality take over? I am actually scared that I would contradict my own belief system.
Responsibilities also increased. Do I fulfill them on my own? Should I bother my folks with it? Should I respect the independence given to me and make my own actions? Is this the right time? I have a lot of unanswered questions and the scary part is I do not know how to find the solution. I saw a friend, who is usually very composed, groping in the dark with new found responsibility. I am not sure if I am prepared for such a situation...No. I know I'm not.
Not wanting to sound sceptical but cannot avoid it. Why am I so scared? This entire trip might have been a lot of fun but it has raised a lot of questions about the spirituality of who I am, what I want to be, what my motivation is and where my destiny lies. Am I being respected for who I am or for what I do?
1 comment:
Hello Siddarth, Isaac here. I just got the e-mail containing your comment on my blog - I have set it up to "moderate comments" right after the tour was over, in order to avoid spam. Thank you for your e-mail and for placing my blog in your favorite links to the right.
I was reading your post; I'm afraid it is extremely hard for people, who never parted ways with their home countries, to really get a good grip over what you're trying to broadcast, especially when you are talking about India vs. North America as the cultural difference is incomprehensible.
I left home as well, about 6 years ago; I seem to get the gist of what you're saying. Your post reminded me of my own visits back home; the culture shock isn't as huge as it probably is for you, but it still is definitely noticeable.
However it seems that what you're going through is not plain culture shock but also a social shock. Let me clue you in on something: you're not onto anything new. The feelings you're experiencing seem very familiar to me. What you're experiencing (again, assuming that I get the right message from the text) is perfectly natural.
And I think you're being a bit too hard on your family and friends.
You didn't see it coming, did you. :-)
You'll have to face it at some point, my friend. You did change and you will continue changing - and so are your aims and aspirations. It's not necessarily a change - lets call it "evolution".
When you go visit home, you come in contact again with people who are not a part of your daily routine. They don't witness the change as it happens - they get it in front of their faces once a year (or two years, depending on how often you visit home). I don't think that what they do is the result of underestimating you or mocking you - I find it more likely that it's simply a way for them to digest the difference between what they see in front of their eyes and what they remember seeing from the time you grew up in India (or from your last visit).
Another thing worth keeping in mind: as you live so far away, gradually your brain starts interpreting things differently. It is possible that what you interpret as "mockery" now would trigger a completely different feeling 3, 4, 5 years ago.
If I were you, when I analyze the situation I'm in, I'd try to put myself much less in the center of things and look at things from your family & friends' point of view... take it easy on them.
That's at least my two cents... hope it helped.
As for your question about where home is - home is where you want to go back to when it feels that the entire world is against you and nothing works out for you. Despite what you may think now of some of your family and friends... trust me, you'd be surprised how easily you could "reconnect" if needed.
In other words - "home" is where your heart wants to be. Any other residence is called a "house", "apartment", "condo" etc. The fact that you physically reside where you get your "bread and butter" is not a sign of your home shifting away from you... it's simply a result of setting priorities in your life.
Take care,
Isaac
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